{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
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That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me