*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
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My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles