I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
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I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
The absolute effort that went into this omg
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
#inspiration #foodforthought
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?