My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
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Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
O Wise One….
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.