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Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*