You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
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I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess