Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
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WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
knights of the ikea table
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
The best plant holders?
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.