nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
You Might Also Like
mood
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
How to make infinite energy.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.