You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
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me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.