normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
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Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.