The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
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If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox