i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
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Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
tis the season
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’