[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
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ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.