I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
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[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant