BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
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Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
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This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”