Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
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Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship