I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
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I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.