My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
You Might Also Like
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)