“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
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[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
was Jim off killing horses or…
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting