One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
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When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
😂😂😂
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see