The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
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4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.