WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
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Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
every college guy’s fridge
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”