Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
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If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.