My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
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I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
#FunnyLife Insects
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.