Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
You Might Also Like
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try