Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
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I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.