i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
You Might Also Like
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?