Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
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My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.