You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
You Might Also Like
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.