Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
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Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.