Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
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My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.