You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
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I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.