My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
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No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!