I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
You Might Also Like
Just say no
Seas the day!!!!
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
felt cute might bury dad later idk
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.