This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
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mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
Hmm, not sure about this change
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”