The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
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I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.