bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
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The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.