thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
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Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
*watches the world burn*
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.