I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
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My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
peep davidson
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.