me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
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No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.