When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
You Might Also Like
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
My birth announcement for our third baby
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt