I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
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OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
Mmmm. Shoeshi
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.