*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
You Might Also Like
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
the three branches of government
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.