The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
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[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
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“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy