A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
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[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times