The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
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If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
Don’t make me out nice you.
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb