I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
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You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
accurate
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police