Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
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A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom