I’ll be mad as hell!
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My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*