Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
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If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
I鈥檓 likely to die of a household accident. I鈥檓 certain a spider will be involved.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
馃槉馃
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I鈥檓 standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
The glockness monster
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
me: my mom鈥檚 here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i鈥檝e pretty much known her my whole life
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
Now that鈥檚 a Halloween costume! 馃ぉ
Just saw a pal I haven鈥檛 seen in awhile and she said she鈥檚 been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That鈥檚 not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they鈥檙e miniature versions of you
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.